Thursday, March 1, 2012

Cocoa and Puff


After finding an Easter dress in 1984, my mother became sincerely frustrated. The dress had to be altered so much that the alterations cost more than the dress (and the shoes) did new. She looked at me with a seriousness that made me doubt any duplicity in her words and said, “Until your body evens out, I’m not buying any more clothes for you.” And she meant it.

That is what started me on my sewing journey. I requested a sewing machine as an 8th grade graduation gift. I knew that I had to take up the slack in alterations or I would have nothing to wear. And high school was coming….

I call the girls Cocoa and Puff. Properly measured, I am a 40J. Think I can find that size in Macy’s? Think again. My bras are NEVER pretty and ALWAYS expensive. Half the time I cannot find the right size and have to play with sizes. And half bras are a joke. A bad joke. Think of all the styles of clothing I cannot wear. And anything that requires strap less or off the shoulder is a no no. I even have dents in my shoulders from where the straps sit. And before I get a bunch of advice, it’s too late. They are in there permanently. My boobs are heavy too. I weighed one. 1 of them is 11lbs without me leaning in on the scale. I was once excommunicated from a friend’s wedding party because my girls would not go tastefully in the bridesmaid dress the bride chose. She said she had her heart set on a certain type of dress and I since I could not accommodate her dress, I was out!

For my own bridal shower, I requested to NOT receive lingerie. But my in-laws thought they were doing something good by giving it to me anyway. In the back of my mind I know it was for their brother/son/grandson/cousin. None of the, ahem… outfits… ever got worn in the 13 years that have followed.

They have been the bane of my existence as well as a treasured resource. Yes I have to get salty with men who feel completely okay at ogling me and speaking into them but conversely, they got me out of tickets and got work signed off for me as well. I won’t have them removed. They have always been there in some way. I have never been flat chested. I have had nodules ever since I was a toddler. I blame the Similac.

Dressing the girls has always been a challenge. I keep hoping for something to happen in the retail world. I can’t be the only woman with an ample bosom. Returning to my sewing machine has also made a bit of knowledge born to me that patterns also run tight for me in booby area. Can the buxom get a break? But FBA’s and newer patterns have helped me out a great deal. I used to purchase tops in larger sizes and alter them down to fit me. Since I’m short, I have always been able to alter down a dress and insert a gusset to release the chest. The funny thing is I didn’t know what a ‘gusset’ was at the time. I have had professionals to give me advice but I am really sad to report their advice was really heartless. More…. “You should have those things removed” and not true advice. And I had to pay for a lot of that bullshit.

So if your big breasted, and clueless I will share with you what has helped me thus far. Without sending a shout out to my switchblade. And be mindful, as big as you think they are… or what you see in the mirror… They are bigger.

Things that tell you where to put your boobs are off limits. Lingerie is good for doing this. If there is a clear are designated for boobs to go, don’t buy it. Since I’m speaking on lingerie, don’t buy traditional outfits. Big boobs dangle and aren’t perky. Buy whole slips that don’t tell you where to put your boobs or separates that are like t-shirt and panties. Anything else will be highly UN-sexy.

Empire waists and tent/swing outfits make you look pregnant. Yeah they do. I used to love me some baby dolls in the 90’s with Dr Martins. Good thing slovenliness was also the rage. A lot of those African outfits are swingy or straight but definitely not form fitting. I don’t know why. I got engaged on my Bornday in November. I sang in a concert shortly thereafter where I had to where on of those African outfits. Everybody thought I was pregnant and that’s why I had gotten engaged. It is a nice commentary of today’s society that the only reason 2 folks in their 20’s who have been dating for a minute have to get married is if they get pregnant…..

Belting under your boobs because it’s the smallest part of you is salacious and should be avoided. When I do that I look like a porn queen. I wear belts at my natural waist.

Separates are really the only answer. I have gotten bigger as I have aged. But when I was thinner, I could not buy a suit. I had to buy a jacket and a skirt. Or tops and bottoms. But all separate. The only dresses I wore, I made. I could make them to fit my body. Jackets are still tricky. I cannot afford to wear a poorly made jacket. I will either look sloppy or like a sausage. Jackets should close. I think this is the reason I have moved to cardigans. And I was doing this BEFORE the 1st lady. And why does she wear them anyway? The one thing she is lacking is boobies.

As hard as this is to believe, showing neck and upper chest BUT NOT CLEAVAGE takes the attention off the girls. Big earrings go a long way to camouflage the girls.

Dark tops and lighter bottoms. Yes just the opposite of what most folks. I don’t own a white blouse since I stopped being a church usher. Seriously. I own all dark dress tops and maybe a few white t-shirts. That’s it.

If I have unavoidable cleavage, I use a scarf to throw it off.

And most importantly; I hold my head and back up proudly. I am a beautiful woman that happens to have large breasts. If you have a problem with that, get some therapy.



renee said...

Fantastic post. Thank you so much. I'm not quite in J territory, but big enough. Many of your clothing suggestions hit home. I'd never though about the showing neck but not cleavage, or the large earrings. And yes, belting under the boobies is just bad. Okay, off to find a scale for weighing up these babies...

Anonymous said...

J club here too. I get my bras from Nordstrom. I use to shop at breakoutbras but my last order didnt go so well.