Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Killing it in April!


I am back at the challenges again and again I am back onto my appearance. I can’t let this go…

I have a coworker… who I strongly dislike… But I would shout if something foul was about to happen to her (I have another whom I wouldn’t). But she used to truly dislike me for no good reason. And that no good reason in particular was, “She think she cute!” Ebonics and all. Now… I don’t think I’m cute. I know it. I am a “Scriven” after all. B.U.T. She doesn’t hate me as much anymore. She has even started to speak! Imagine my surprise. I heard her talking and she was basically saying that I have been slipping in my game since I joined the cult. REALLY?

I must admit, parts of my game have slipped a bit since I came into KOS and started taking on lessons. I started wrapping my head and observing 3/4ths. That isn’t the issue so much for me, because I am well aware that one can be modest yet look really good. Contrary to popular belief, I’m a girly girl. One of the things I have been going back and forth with is makeup. When I 1st went under instruction, the male educator I had said absolutely NO makeup, ever! Now… he is a man. He doesn’t really get the what’s, how’s and why’s of makeup. Nor should he. Also, I have a lot of allergies and I develop new ones every day. I started to develop an allergy to my makeup at the same time I started my lessons. When I took the break, my skin relaxed so I didn’t go back to it with full force; a little lip gloss here and there and even that can cause a reaction. And I haven’t had a raise since…. 2 reviews, no raise. If I was fucking up that bad I’d have been fired. And my boss mentioned my lack of makeup at both reviews.

I swear I see more Earths wear make up than don’t. Not saying that Earths can’t. I just don’t think that it is something that we should do the way it is portrayed in the media. We have no business wearing it to look like Nikki Minaj or a drag queen. That makes us look other than self. But refinement is about putting your best foot forward. And, no matter how you feel about this, there are times when it is appropriate. Plus, I’m in my Culture Ciphers. I admit that I need some help. I just can’t wake up and fall out of bed looking like spring. Without makeup, I look tired. And constantly looking that way makes you appear old. They say “Black don’t Crack” But it does. I have never had an acne problem. I have eczema which is extreme dry skin, so my skin doesn’t have the oil in it that people with acne have. So I can see stages of pre-cracking.

I cannot tell you the last store-bought garment I bought. I really can’t. I make my own clothes and that doesn’t at all bother me. Though I don’t really want folks to know. It’s a hobby I enjoy and it’s useful. But it’s personal unless you want me to make something for you. Then it’s business. That needs to change to a small extent. When I make clothes, I strive to not get that “Beck-Home-Eccy” look. I peruse blogs and websites, but not stores. That needs to change. I need to go out a bit more and buy a few more items. I’m never striving for that low budget look. And I don’t think that’s what I get, but really. I need to do better.

My late husband used to be an intense fashion plate. I recognized that when I was with him I had to step up my game so we looked right together. It’s one thing if a man is a pig and the woman is super duper fly; but it’s a problem the other way around. He used to say that he had no problem being the most overdressed person in the room. He used to think I was the most slovenly female because I owned 10 pairs of jeans and 3 pairs of sneakers. He owned 1 pair of jeans… that I bought for him… that used to cut the grass. His sneakers came from the gas station. He only used them to cut the grass as well. I came up, but I suppose I have slipped in the years since his death.

Precise is a guy. A guy raised with a bunch of men and his mother. No sisters to soften him and teach him the ins and outs of girl stuff. You know green stuff on the face, having 50-11 purses, stressing out over belts, etc. He often doesn’t get my frustration. I think he thinks I’m crazy. He loves being comfy in sweats and jeans. I cannot count how many pairs of kicks he has. It’s a little disturbing.

I say this to say, that when I upgrade myself it will be because something within me says that I have issues. Not because I’m trying to piss off my coworker, not because I’m trying to re-live my glory days, not because I want a raise… well I do want a raise. You know what I mean…. Not because I’m trying to look good for a man. But because I need to feel like my best self and I haven’t been feeling like that for awhile. When I stepped in a room, I owned it. Now I feel invisible. This is got to stop.

So here is the challenge. For the entire month of April, every single day including the weekends, I am going to make sure that I look my absolute best. No excuses. This actually plays well for me, because I participate in “Me-Made-May” every year. And I will be giving my wardrobe special consideration. It’s all about me KILLING it!

Wish me luck…. I will need it.

Peace !